stats

I like looking at the stats on this site, my personal blog's stats. Something particularly interesting is the search terms in google that have led people here. Somebody actually searched for "blibbity blobbity bloop!" another for "supercalifragilistic graduated from district reppin the south". If you're someone who searched for that then welcome. Thursday nights are boring without Bible study on.

Important issues for consideration

Einstein said that "You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother", does that mean that if you no longer have a grandmother you can't understand anything? Some people might get around this by explaining things to the gravestone, at the moment I feel like hippies do that, so out of all the people in the world hippies must be the smartest, because they can understand the most. I reckon this also explains why parents are always complaining about children being 'know-it-alls', it's because they've still got grandparents to validate their understanding!

Talking about hippies, they like to say that we wouldn't go around not caring about the trees getting cut down if they could scream. Imagine trees that just screamed all the time, I'm pretty sure everyone would care a lot more, we'd want to shut those trees up by cutting them down. We'd not have houses built out of wood anymore, the trees wouldn't get the opportunity to grow big enough. They wouldn't even get big enough for hippies to chain themselves to them. If someone did chain themselves to a tree you could easily pull the chain hard enough to break the tree in half, it would be the hippy's fault that the tree died then. That would be pretty cool.

I wanted to say ironic, but I definitely don't know what irony is, it's just too confusing. I don't think irony is ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife though. It's probably not Mr. Play-It-Safe waiting a lifetime before flying and then crashing in the first flight he took either.

Plane crashes must really suck, lots of people in pain or dying. If I'm ever in a plane crash I'll probably avoid mirrors for ages, if I survive. If I don't see the injury it won't hurt as much. It's when you see how you're hurt that really throws you into a panic, so if I avoid seeing it I'll be fine. It'd suck it my head is knocked off and my last sight is my headless body falling to the ground, that would ruin my whole plan. It would be pretty hard to find a girl friend without a head too. I need to find one before I next go on a plane.

I've been thinking about whether it would be better to get a tattoo of thong straps on my feet, or an operation to have opposable toes. One of the two things are going to happen eventually, but which? The tattoo is cheaper and less can go wrong, I'll be able to continue not wearing shoes and not having any pain on account of the calloused nature of my feet. The opposable toes would fundamentally be an operation to replace my feet with somebody's hands. This has the potential to go badly wrong, and will be very expensive, also unless I find a carpenter or something who is willing to give up their hands my new feet would be quite sensitive and it would be painful to walk on gravel and stuff. They would be totally worth that though for the functionality. I could climb trees and stuff with my feet, and pick up various objects. It's a tough decision.

In Æon Flux Sithandra has opposable toes.

She ends up the bloody queen, mate.

Clearly she ended up in that position because of her toes.

Post race argument

I'm going to upload the post race video again, because there are loads of people that don't understand it.

There are certain things that people find offensive, but I reckon they don't actually remember why it's offensive. There aren't many people who were chained up and forced to hammer rocks for railway tracks around, those are the people who have a legitimate claim to being offended about things. Younger people only think derogatory words are bad because of the older people being offended. If people stopped being offended those terms would eventually lose all their sting and would no longer be derogatory. It's kind of like having cordial and watering it down, eventually you get to the point when you can't call it cordial anymore, it's just water because there's no flavour left. This can be done to derogatory words by doing them in a good natured manner. Feel free to disagree with me further, I'm ok with that.

Sometimes I find board games pretty lame, but today I had fun playing Monopoly and Quelf, it was mainly because the people who were playing were fun. Making weird deals in Monopoly is awesome, like selling a property for ten percent of the other players income, or rent immunity. I once bought Mayfair in exchange for whenever the other person got sent to gaol we would swap positions. It actually worked out better for me because I had to spend so much time in gaol I didn't have to pay much rent, the other person had to keep paying me rent when they landed on my property though. Some people might call that cheating, I call it ingenuity.

All my family is on holidays, but uni is still on for me. Oh well.

So tired

I failed at sleeping last night, I got through today on endorphins, adrenaline and caffeine. That all crashed this evening and I thought I would fall asleep during Bible study, but as soon as I got home I'm not tired again. Bah.

I gave blood today, and for the first time ever I filled the whole bag, no bleeding on the floor this time! The first attempt did fail, the nurse missed my vein, I reckon it is too tough and was pushed out of the way by the needle. She put a heat pack on my other arm to weaken my defences. A different nurse ended up sticking the needle in and her hands were heaps shakey, this was the first time I've felt the needle going in, it hurt!

Enemy of the library

Last night I had an awesome dream about my house being a library. The back room of my house was merged with the library from my primary school, the kitchen was merged with the library at uni and the living room at the front of the house was merged with the local public library. My house was a very big library, even the toilet was merged with a mobile library that I went to once. The rooms started of normally but once you got to where the wall should be there started the library. there were books stuffed in random places too. Next to the television, under the couch, in the oven... they even had specific subjects in those places, like my underwear drawer having the sex ed books. Obviously the proper library parts of the house had shelves, exactly like they were the last time I visited the particular library. For some reason we didn't want a library in our house, so Dad and I decided to destroy the books... with a sword. I was the one wielding the sword, because in my dreams I'm the only one who can be trusted with something sharper than a lemon. ("Only Luke can be trusted." "In your dreams!", and in my dreams people other than me can't be trusted with lemons because a lemon is acidic.) So Dad handed the books to me and I sliced them in half. I've probably played too many video games in my life because the books disappeared in a puff of smoke at that point. I wasn't allowed to cut the books in midair, Dad wouldn't let me. It's my dream so I should've been able to do whatever I wanted! I did end up doing it a couple of times when Dad wasn't looking. It took a really long time to cut all the books in each library since I was only cutting them one at a time, but eventually I got through them all. As I finished one room's library worth of books the library part of the room ceased to exist, the wall was back and the room was normal again. I don't remember any transition from weird library room to normal room which is disappointing. I got through the primary school library, the uni library and the portable library in the toilet, but I woke up before the public library. I didn't look in the garage, but I reckon it would've been good if there were magazine racks in there, car ones and science ones.

Today I could have run over a rabbit, but it was dark and I thought it was a dog so I slowed down. Last time I hit a dog it ended up costing me $70 for a new indicator lens cap. Took ages to find one at all!

Epistle To Mrs. Scott

Gudewife of Wauchope-House, Roxburghshire.

1787

Gudewife,

I Mind it weel in early date,
When I was bardless, young, and blate,
An' first could thresh the barn,
Or haud a yokin' at the pleugh;
An, tho' forfoughten sair eneugh,
Yet unco proud to learn:
When first amang the yellow corn
A man I reckon'd was,
An' wi' the lave ilk merry morn
Could rank my rig and lass,
Still shearing, and clearing
The tither stooked raw,
Wi' claivers, an' haivers,
Wearing the day awa.

E'en then, a wish, (I mind its pow'r),
A wish that to my latest hour
Shall strongly heave my breast,
That I for poor auld Scotland's sake
Some usefu' plan or book could make,
Or sing a sang at least.
The rough burr-thistle, spreading wide
Amang the bearded bear,
I turn'd the weeder-clips aside,
An' spar'd the symbol dear:
No nation, no station,
My envy e'er could raise;
A Scot still, but blot still,
I knew nae higher praise.

But still the elements o' sang,
In formless jumble, right an' wrang,
Wild floated in my brain;
'Till on that har'st I said before,
May partner in the merry core,
She rous'd the forming strain;
I see her yet, the sonsie quean,
That lighted up my jingle,
Her witching smile, her pawky een
That gart my heart-strings tingle;
I fired, inspired,
At every kindling keek,
But bashing, and dashing,
I feared aye to speak.

Health to the sex! ilk guid chiel says:
Wi' merry dance in winter days,
An' we to share in common;
The gust o' joy, the balm of woe,
The saul o' life, the heaven below,
Is rapture-giving woman.
Ye surly sumphs, who hate the name,
Be mindfu' o' your mither;
She, honest woman, may think shame
That ye're connected with her:
Ye're wae men, ye're nae men
That slight the lovely dears;
To shame ye, disclaim ye,
Ilk honest birkie swears.

For you, no bred to barn and byre,
Wha sweetly tune the Scottish lyre,
Thanks to you for your line:
The marled plaid ye kindly spare,
By me should gratefully be ware;
'Twad please me to the nine.
I'd be mair vauntie o' my hap,
Douce hingin owre my curple,
Than ony ermine ever lap,
Or proud imperial purple.
Farewell then, lang hale then,
An' plenty be your fa;
May losses and crosses
Ne'er at your hallan ca'!

R. Burns
March, 1787

Thongs

I sent a message to Havaianas on their website the other day:

If I were to get Havaianas thong straps tattooed onto my feet would
you pay the tattoo artist, with advertising space being the justification?

I never wear shoes, so the tattoo would always be on display!

It took them a while but they eventually responded:

Hi Luke,

Thank you for your email.

There have been a few Havaianas fans in the past that have done just this.

Unfortunately this is not something we can help you with although if you do go ahead with the tatoo we would love to see a photo.

Regards,
Aqueo Import and Distribution

I replied with:

Carly, I like that you took my request so seriously. I guess you probably get loads of requests like that? It all came from a camping trip I was at, someone said I should tattoo shoes onto my feet, I said if I was going to do anything like that it would be Havaianas straps. Everyone pretty much told me I had to try and get money for advertising, so I did, I'm usually more of a follower than a leader. One of the girls did draw some on for me at the time, but they have worn off already, after only two days. I've attached a photo of the drawing for you.

Thanks for taking the time to reply,

Luke.

They said:

Hi Luke, That’s not a problem at all… thanks for the photo and if you do decide to get them tattooed as I mentioned we would love a photo of that also. Have a nice day.

Regards,

Carly Dee

Obviously I couldn't stop there, so I sent:

Hi Carly,Have you already got photos of people who have tattoos of thongs? Can I see them? I have been considering getting a tattoo for a while, but since it's so permanent I don't want to get something I won't like later, so pictures could be helpful. It would be great to see how such a tattoo looks after a period of time, as in when the wearer is wrinkly. If I decide against thong straps I would probably go for a robotic arm, but getting my whole arm tattooed would be time consuming and costly. The other option is to wait until I go bald, which genetically speaking is very likely, and get one of those funny tattoos of a little man 'lawn mowing' at the point my hairline has receded to, either that or a bar code like in the Hitman movie and games.
I also need to consider which thong to use for the tattoo design, I'm thinking the strap from the Halftone Top Print would be the best. Which do you think would be best?

Unfortunately they haven't replied to that so far...

Poor poetry and Venn diagrams

I remembered that I had a (really rather lame) website years ago today, so I had a look at it to procrastinate. Most of it is just stupid stuff that I found funny at the time, but I had one page on it which was an ongoing competition to find the worst poet in the world.

Here is the winner, by someone calling themselves Scuba Police:

Go

I have nineteen thousand seven hundred and fifty two dogs that all say bow-wow.

I also have a cow.

My friend said how.

Do you have nineteen thousand seven hundred and fifty two dogs that all say bow-wow.

And also a cow.

I said do I have to tell you now.

He said yes now.

So I said that yes I would tell him how.

I have nineteen thousand seven hundred and fifty two dogs that all say bow-wow.

And also a cow.

Right now.

After I told him he had a funny eyebrow.

Because it is too low.

And when he punched me his fist and my face together made a sound that sounded like pow.

I said ow.

A big cat passed and said me-ow.

I said the hurt and he said I know.

He said your face looks like dog chow.

And so we had our first row.

I said my face needed a plow.

He said wow.

Your a good friend and I said I know.

The cat came back and mauled my friend to pieces and with his final dying breath he said ow.

The cat left again saying me-ow.

So I didn't have to tell my friend the way I could have nineteen thousand seven hundred and fifty dogs that all say bow-wow.

And a cow.

Which is good because thinking about them reminds me of the twin tow.

Ers so now.

I'll take a bow.

Pretty darn bad I'd say. Here are the others in no particular order:

On my foot
I have a bunion
The size of an onion
But smells worse
by UD

Peanut smoothie
and Frog spawn. Yum
by Dion

Poopy
Turkeys, Dinosaurs, Monkeys
and Turnips, Fried eggs and rice
all smell like poo
but taste very, very nice
by Dion

Turnips

I like turnips a lot
when they are boiling in a pot
I eat them while lying in a cot
I eat them with a glass of rhubarb juice more often than not.
But not when they got in a lot of snot.
by Scuba Police

An ode to Mark holden:
Your biznitch was the shiznitch,
your foogles were the glop ,
you made so many ****ing words
now it's time to stop
by Louis

Potty
Wind, Rain, Sleet, Snow,
Where's the potty I need to go

by Dion

Louis's Super Duper Zippity day haiku
Yo my name Louis
Would you like some tea mister
one sugar or two?

by Louis

An unnamed poem

I smells.

by Andrew

Pizza Pie
Blibbity Blobbity bloop
I gotta big pile of goop
It's brown & sticky &
... oh my whoopsadaisy it's
POOP!

by Dion

Chinese haiku
Me speak English good
Me learned at many place
Me very poor now
by Louis

Story
Ounce upon a time ... there was
a boy & he was poor & he was 615 year old
& he died 425 years ago THE END
by Dion

Bolands Poem
Hush the rain is falling
and the humidity has stifled my brain.

by Boland

BAGPIPE MURD’RIN

Och! Dar!

Ye'rrr mussin' oot ye ken
On th' soond a' th' bag pipe murd’rin down in yonder glen!
A salve to y' agein' heart t’d be t' hear the buck pipe scream;
Cornered, wailing out it's chilled blood baying
Echoin’ harshly on the breezes floatin' down the
Mighty Murray Meadows, by our valley staying.
T’wer brave the man who faced yon bagpipe growling
Armed with naught upon him for his prowling
Than with his trusty sporting sporran.
When feral bagpipe turns to breed,
There'll be upon these hills no peace.
Pity then the RSP won’t agree to let
The brawny Vet to cull: by strangulation.
There doesn't seem in this extreme
Without distain a more humane
Routine to move this curse from our domain.
by John

Obviously if I'm going to talk about bad poetry I have to mention the list compiled by Douglas Adams;

in third place for the worst poetry is the fictional race of the Vogons:

Oh freddled gruntbuggly,

Thy micturations are to me

As plurdled gabbleblotchits

On a lurgid bee

That mordiously hath bitled out

Its earted jurtles

Into a rancid festering [drowned out by moaning and screaming]

Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles

Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts

And living glupules frart and slipulate

Like jowling meated liverslime

Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes

And hooptiously drangle me

With crinkly bindlewurdles,

Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon

See if I don't.

Second is Grunthos the Flatulent, poetmaster of the Azgoths of Kria:

Relax mind

Relax body

Relax bowels

Relax.

Do not fall over.

You are a cloud.

You are raining.

Do not rain

While train

Is standing at a station.

Move with the wind.

Apologise where necessary.

First was Paul Neil Milne Johnstone, a real person:
The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool.

They lay.

They rotted.

They turned

Around occasionally.

Bits of flesh dropped off them from

Time to time.

And sank into the pool's mire.

They also smelt a great deal.

I've learnt that Venn diagrams need to have a representation of the Universal set surrounding the circles which make the diagram. Well, I'm not really convinced that they're necessary at the moment, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to be taught more about it. I spent some more of the day procrastinating by researching Venn diagrams. As far as I can tell from the internet (a wholly reliable source to be sure) the Universal set is sometimes included but it does not need to be. I asked some math kids, they said pretty much the same thing as the internet did, which seemed to legitimise it a bit for me, but the one saying a Universal set is crucial is probably of a higher math authority.

Obviously from there since I didn't want to have to start doing uni work still I started thinking about Venn diagrams about poetry.

This is my reinterpretation of one I found, I think it's an improvement. Notice I didn't include a Universal set? It's not because I had decided it's wrong, I just couldn't be bothered with it.

This one I had absolutely nothing to do with, but I liked it.

There was also a non-literature one that relates to a conversation I had at camp on the weekend:

Also, I did end up doing that uni work, and even submitting it, with 30 seconds to spare. Winner!

If you're not in New York, you're camping out.

I went to a camp where we concentrated on God, but it wasn't a concentration camp. Sorry about that one.

The focus was on how to encourage others in Godliness, that we should always be listening during conversations for ways to help other people and use our words to build them up. It was pretty great.

Changing from camp stuff to camp stuff there was also an instructional video on how to give a man hug. It was funny, but I don't think I'll be making too much use of those instructions, I'm much happier with a good firm hand shake.

I have clearly become quite tired as I've been finding my fathers jokes rather hilarious, so Ima try get heaps of sleep now.

Random things currently in my head

The postman is really ripping up my front yard.

There are quite a lot of ducks at uni.

A truck driver asked me for directions while I was crossing the road in front of him.

They should have a pirate Bible.

If somebody couldn't care less it means that the amount they care equals zero, but if someone says they could care less it means that the amount they care is greater than zero. I think it's implied that they could also care more, so they care less than infinity. That means that any of the infinite positive numbers might be the amount that they care, the possibility is infinite, but infinity is not a possibility. Maybe the amount they care is infinity minus one, but that still equals infinity so that can't be right.

Vests are rad.

The wise teacher (sarcasm)

I did a talk at Yoop, it was fairly short but I reckon it went ok. It was focused on 2 Timothy 4. This is it.

The world is a big flat disk and all the water falls off the sides in massive waterfalls. If it was actually a sphere people would fall off the bottom!

It’s ok, cigarettes won’t kill you, there’s no conclusive proof that they are linked to lung cancer.

Sometimes people refuse to believe the inconvenient truth, instead they want to hear reassuring lies. They want to hear comforting things because the truth can be scary. The truth is that the world is a massive sphere and cigarettes kills loads of people, but those truths have made some people uncomfortable.

The world often says that you should abandon those who abandon logic and reason, but what does God say about those people?

(At this point everyone went off to do the study)

God loves everyone, so he wouldn’t send anyone to hell.

Jesus was just a really good teacher; he didn’t have any special powers.

Are these lies any different to the ridiculous lies about cigarettes and the world being flat? Would you rather feel comfortable believing a lie now, or spend eternity in heaven with the Lord of all? I hope you choose truth, but what about people who keep fighting for their reassuring lie? Paul encourages Timothy to Preach the Word in and out of season. That means that regardless of your audience you should always try to tell people about the good news of Jesus, because even if it does sound a bit scary Jesus will return and everyone will be judged. Not everyone will listen, a lot of people will turn aside to myths, but that doesn’t mean you should give up, keep telling them that Jesus died to save them from their sins, to me, that’s much more reassuring than any lie.

I had a different talk prepared, it was about the same thing, but it went around in circles a bit, plus it went for fifteen minutes so I deleted it this morning and rewrote it. It was a shame that I couldn't have done the other one, because I had all of the hand gestures worked out. I can't actually remember some of it already, so it's probably good I decided to redo it.

Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain.

It seems to rain every wednesday, right when I want to walk to Bible study. I didn't get too wet today though, so it was fine. I seem to be a bit paranoid (who has been saying I'm paranoid?!) because a foul mouthed woman with what I assume is her boyfriend, but I wish was her husband, followed me halfway home. I was thinking the whole time of how I would defend myself, at first I figured I would attack the guy first, but then I realised that the girl wore the pants in the relationship and was the dangerous one, so I would attack her first. Obviously I would wait for them to make the first move, I would use the old mantra that the sensei always talked about at goju kai: evade, control, devastate & dispose. In other words you make sure your opponent is actually a threat instead of assuming people are dangerous and hurting innocents, then you avoid the attack by moving in an appropriate direction, whilst doing that you control the attack with a block, then it's time to attack them and dispose of them. The attack and disposal that I generally go to in my mind is to break the knee then trip them and leave. I haven't done it to anyone yet, unfortunately.

I wasn't the only one who was paranoid, I ended up following a couple of kids walking their dogs. One was a girl who was probably ten years old, she swore almost as much as the grown woman who had been following me did. She kept saying (with cuss words sprinkled through liberally) "That creep is following us. Do something. Call the cops. Kill him. He's still there" et cetera. It was only for two blocks, but it felt like ages. I was forced to think what I would do if the two teenage boys with the two dogs attacked me. Obviously I'd go for the dogs first, I'd drop to one knee planting the knee in the dogs back and try to break its neck. I would then kick the other one where ever I can as hard as I can. My tactic would then be similar to the previous woman when it came time to fight the boys.

In a more cheery note, on monday I was looking after kids and I sat down while they were building towers with blocks, they got to the roof which is heaps impressive, and my phone fell out of my pocket. They stopped playing with blocks and started playing with cars, and a little girl, probably 1.5 years old, picked up my phone and managed to turn on the music player (it was already open, she just pressed play) and exit it so that the phone locked. Her sister took the phone off her and tried to turn the music off, but obviously she couldn't since it was locked so she gave it back to the first girl. She started pressing buttons and getting excited every time the screen lit up. After a while she got bored of that and held the phone to her ear as if she was talking on the phone and started rocking in time to the Gyroscope which was playing. I found it pretty hilarious, it entertained her for a good half hour, so win-win really!